I still have difficulty trying to grasp the shape of what it is that I believe.
I attempt to sketch the outline in the hope that in so doing I may more clearly search within that form, but while my faith and my trust irresistibly deepen, what seems to be an increased clarity of understanding builds only upon, and reinforces the fact that I cannot comprehend that which I seek and follow and love. And yet, within my nebulous confusion, the constant awareness of a presence which is itself Peace, Truth and Life, both Giver and Sustainer of my existence, creates the calm and contentment in which I can smile back at perplexity: a much loved word, and the womb in which confusion coalesces from unfocussed nebula into the diamond hard seeds of truth.
My experience has confirmed me as a Christian, and today, though still without any hint of certainty, I know more surely than previously where I belong in Christ’s Church; uncertainty about what I should be doing within it and for it generates no feeling of contradiction within me.
A recurring idea or train of thought, a persistent disagreement, dissatisfaction or doubt, must point to some consistency of belief or failure to believe, and I take such apparent constants in my thoughts, emotions and reactions as start-points for trying to fill some of the gaps in my self knowledge. There are times, however, when I make a point of not following this through as I am fearful that the process will convince me that I do not agree with the teaching of the Church. At such times my refusal to acknowledge my instinctive beliefs is itself witness against me. I suspect there are many people who, whether admitting to it or not, share this failure to accept without question all teachings and traditions of the Church to which, nonetheless, they feel themselves unflinchingly bound.
For those outside the Church there is no doubt, no pricking or troubling of conscience, no reluctance to admit, no fear of division, separation or rejection, and the resultant clarity of thought allows anyone who may have half-looked at the Christian churches to see their own disagreements and non-acceptance in straightforward black and white. The result of this, combined with any belief that the Church is irrelevant in today’s world, offers no real answers for the questions in people’s minds, and is comprised of people who call themselves Christians but who are no different and no better than anyone else, is that they find no reason to approach: no reason to find out if their pre-conceived ideas are right or not. They find no confirmation one way or the other.
But there is another side to this non-acceptance and this inner witness to non-compliance.
Does the Church really need only those who keep their heads down, accepting everything without question, keeping the outside of things looking intact, wholesome, innocent and pious, maintaining the inherited and projected image regardless of all changes in society as though arrogantly believing that they possess the entire truth, and that society will eventually have to turn back to the Church? Most certainly it does not. It does need people who, while having due regard for the appearance of things, value the reality of the society in which we live, and the realities of peoples’ lives, hopes and fears. It needs thinking people of real faith who will question and learn, and in their turn answer and teach: people who will share their certainties and their doubts within the tighter bonds of Christian community. It is in this unity, within the Body of Christ’s Church, that we receive our real confirmation and both receive and give the affirmation we all need.
A sense of belonging is at the heart of the experience of being a Christian. The initial understanding of that fact – being part of a supportive group of similarly minded individuals, on a global scale, and down through parish and otherwise local communities, to small intimate groups of close spiritual friends – is valuable and valid, but the belonging goes further than that. Being a Christian places us amid not only the living global community of Christians, but numbers us and names us in the litany of every human being who has ever lived their claim to be a Christian. The Body of Christ, His Church, is the community of all believers.
And at the opposite end of the numbers scale, it ends where in fact it truly begins: within ourselves. When we find ourselves alone, without any form of human support from within that community, we still belong to it, and we must hope to become aware of the truth behind our collective sense of belonging: that each one of us belongs to Christ; He has claimed us as His own, not ‘en masse’ as what we see and feel as the Church, but individually: He has claimed you, and He has claimed me. We each belong to Him.
In the apparent looseness of our bindings He holds us fast. What more profound gift can we receive?
I attempt to sketch the outline in the hope that in so doing I may more clearly search within that form, but while my faith and my trust irresistibly deepen, what seems to be an increased clarity of understanding builds only upon, and reinforces the fact that I cannot comprehend that which I seek and follow and love. And yet, within my nebulous confusion, the constant awareness of a presence which is itself Peace, Truth and Life, both Giver and Sustainer of my existence, creates the calm and contentment in which I can smile back at perplexity: a much loved word, and the womb in which confusion coalesces from unfocussed nebula into the diamond hard seeds of truth.
My experience has confirmed me as a Christian, and today, though still without any hint of certainty, I know more surely than previously where I belong in Christ’s Church; uncertainty about what I should be doing within it and for it generates no feeling of contradiction within me.
A recurring idea or train of thought, a persistent disagreement, dissatisfaction or doubt, must point to some consistency of belief or failure to believe, and I take such apparent constants in my thoughts, emotions and reactions as start-points for trying to fill some of the gaps in my self knowledge. There are times, however, when I make a point of not following this through as I am fearful that the process will convince me that I do not agree with the teaching of the Church. At such times my refusal to acknowledge my instinctive beliefs is itself witness against me. I suspect there are many people who, whether admitting to it or not, share this failure to accept without question all teachings and traditions of the Church to which, nonetheless, they feel themselves unflinchingly bound.
For those outside the Church there is no doubt, no pricking or troubling of conscience, no reluctance to admit, no fear of division, separation or rejection, and the resultant clarity of thought allows anyone who may have half-looked at the Christian churches to see their own disagreements and non-acceptance in straightforward black and white. The result of this, combined with any belief that the Church is irrelevant in today’s world, offers no real answers for the questions in people’s minds, and is comprised of people who call themselves Christians but who are no different and no better than anyone else, is that they find no reason to approach: no reason to find out if their pre-conceived ideas are right or not. They find no confirmation one way or the other.
But there is another side to this non-acceptance and this inner witness to non-compliance.
Does the Church really need only those who keep their heads down, accepting everything without question, keeping the outside of things looking intact, wholesome, innocent and pious, maintaining the inherited and projected image regardless of all changes in society as though arrogantly believing that they possess the entire truth, and that society will eventually have to turn back to the Church? Most certainly it does not. It does need people who, while having due regard for the appearance of things, value the reality of the society in which we live, and the realities of peoples’ lives, hopes and fears. It needs thinking people of real faith who will question and learn, and in their turn answer and teach: people who will share their certainties and their doubts within the tighter bonds of Christian community. It is in this unity, within the Body of Christ’s Church, that we receive our real confirmation and both receive and give the affirmation we all need.
A sense of belonging is at the heart of the experience of being a Christian. The initial understanding of that fact – being part of a supportive group of similarly minded individuals, on a global scale, and down through parish and otherwise local communities, to small intimate groups of close spiritual friends – is valuable and valid, but the belonging goes further than that. Being a Christian places us amid not only the living global community of Christians, but numbers us and names us in the litany of every human being who has ever lived their claim to be a Christian. The Body of Christ, His Church, is the community of all believers.
And at the opposite end of the numbers scale, it ends where in fact it truly begins: within ourselves. When we find ourselves alone, without any form of human support from within that community, we still belong to it, and we must hope to become aware of the truth behind our collective sense of belonging: that each one of us belongs to Christ; He has claimed us as His own, not ‘en masse’ as what we see and feel as the Church, but individually: He has claimed you, and He has claimed me. We each belong to Him.
In the apparent looseness of our bindings He holds us fast. What more profound gift can we receive?
.
