'Whoever fears the Lord makes true friends,
for as a person is, so is his friend too.’
(Ecclesiasticus 6:17)
for as a person is, so is his friend too.’
(Ecclesiasticus 6:17)
Physical presence is of the utmost importance in a meaningful friendship. In a crisis, a real friend’s presence is the most effective support of all; it outweighs any words that may be said. That presence may include small but significant touches of love such as making a drink, draping a shawl around shoulders, answering the door ...; it may even involve a leaving of one’s needy friend for a period once one’s presence has been felt, perhaps to travel a great distance for them, to meet with someone, or to bring someone back; to deliver or collect something of vital importance to them; a literal going of the extra mile for them. The task may be of such importance for them that, paradoxically, such an absence would be experienced by them as a continuation of one’s presence.
Love may be proved by our actions, by deeds, but there are times when we are called to quell all thoughts of doing things: to prove the depth and dependability of our friendship by simply being there; feeling, loving, watching and waiting. Waiting until the time to listen; listening until the time to speak.
Love may be proved by our actions, by deeds, but there are times when we are called to quell all thoughts of doing things: to prove the depth and dependability of our friendship by simply being there; feeling, loving, watching and waiting. Waiting until the time to listen; listening until the time to speak.
‘They sat there on the ground beside him for seven days and seven nights. To Job they spoke never a word, for they saw how much he was suffering. In the end it was Job who broke the silence...’ (Job 2:13–3:1)
Just as a friend’s physical presence may be experienced as continuing when they have left to undertake some vital deed, so, in a similar way, a much needed friend’s presence may be experienced as having already begun as soon as news is received that they are on their way. In both cases, the presence essential to the creation and deepening of the already mature and meaningful relationship is in the past. The chain holding the friendship together was forged in earlier times spent face to face, and its final links closed by mutual experience and a shared hope.
I have witnessed both types of such meaningful and supportive absences.
The first, a dying lady’s relief and contentment resulting from the arrival of one particular person, who, though out of the house more than in it, and far more than actually at the lady’s bedside, was present to her throughout the night and day, even when absent for several hours. She had known, without any doubt, that once her friend had come to her, any absences were to achieve the essential outcomes required for her own wellbeing and peace of mind. She had complete faith in her friend. And it did not occur to the friend that she could have done things in any other way: at the time, she felt that she existed only to be there and to do the things that had to be done.
The second, involved another dying lady and a member of my own family. As a mother in the middle of Christmas celebrations with her young children and husband, with no wish to be anywhere else and knowing that this was where she was meant to be, she received news that a much loved aunt and friend, Mai, in the west of Ireland was dying and asking for her constantly: -
Just as a friend’s physical presence may be experienced as continuing when they have left to undertake some vital deed, so, in a similar way, a much needed friend’s presence may be experienced as having already begun as soon as news is received that they are on their way. In both cases, the presence essential to the creation and deepening of the already mature and meaningful relationship is in the past. The chain holding the friendship together was forged in earlier times spent face to face, and its final links closed by mutual experience and a shared hope.
I have witnessed both types of such meaningful and supportive absences.
The first, a dying lady’s relief and contentment resulting from the arrival of one particular person, who, though out of the house more than in it, and far more than actually at the lady’s bedside, was present to her throughout the night and day, even when absent for several hours. She had known, without any doubt, that once her friend had come to her, any absences were to achieve the essential outcomes required for her own wellbeing and peace of mind. She had complete faith in her friend. And it did not occur to the friend that she could have done things in any other way: at the time, she felt that she existed only to be there and to do the things that had to be done.
The second, involved another dying lady and a member of my own family. As a mother in the middle of Christmas celebrations with her young children and husband, with no wish to be anywhere else and knowing that this was where she was meant to be, she received news that a much loved aunt and friend, Mai, in the west of Ireland was dying and asking for her constantly: -
“Where is she?”... “Is she coming?” ... “Is she here yet?” ... “Is that you ...?” She was becoming increasingly distressed because the one person she needed was not there.
After agonizing over the situation and the seemingly impossible decision she was called upon to make, the young mother travelled from Worcestershire to Ireland to be with Mai. On arrival, she found she was too late – at least, that was how it felt.
After agonizing over the situation and the seemingly impossible decision she was called upon to make, the young mother travelled from Worcestershire to Ireland to be with Mai. On arrival, she found she was too late – at least, that was how it felt.
As soon as Mai had heard the news that the one person who mattered was on her way, she relaxed, rested, and was content. She died shortly before the longed for arrival. To Mai, hearing what amounted to “I’m coming”, had been an immediate knowledge that she was already there.
Mai’s distress appeared to have been due to her increasing difficulty in maintaining her ability to live: maintaining her refusal to die before the arrival of the one person whose presence would make all things well.
In thinking of these two friendships, and those two deaths, something speaks to me of the continuation of friendship and love, not only during absences through life, but into and beyond the longest absence of all: the one that follows a death and which continues until we are returned to each other’s company through our own passing.
I cannot help but hear again those words from Julian of Norwich’s ‘Revelations of Divine Love’: “… all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”
The anticipated arrival, as well as the actual presence of a friend, can speak those words to us. Once we have overcome our grief, the absence of a friend through death can also breathe with an awareness of their continued presence. The above words were spoken to Julian by Jesus, and, through hearing or otherwise experiencing them through a meaningful friendship, we too are being reassured by Him. He is present with us as our Friend, speaking to us through a relationship that is truly meaningful because He is present within it.
The two words, ‘friendship’ and ‘meaningful’, mean different things to different people. For some, almost every person they meet more than once is regarded as a friend, and they may bathe in the knowledge that they have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook or some similar social networking internet site. With the mindset of some others, those same people would regard almost every one of those “friends” merely as acquaintances, and their few friends may not include any they would regard as being particularly close. Whoever we are, and whatever our interpretation of those words, it is only when a friendship includes the integrity of mind, body and spirit, that it becomes both humanly and spiritually meaningful, and develops its own invitations. It places us at the heart of an invitation to unite with and in the presence of Jesus, and it invites the Holy Spirit to come deeper into our friendship and into the rest of our lives.
.
Mai’s distress appeared to have been due to her increasing difficulty in maintaining her ability to live: maintaining her refusal to die before the arrival of the one person whose presence would make all things well.
In thinking of these two friendships, and those two deaths, something speaks to me of the continuation of friendship and love, not only during absences through life, but into and beyond the longest absence of all: the one that follows a death and which continues until we are returned to each other’s company through our own passing.
I cannot help but hear again those words from Julian of Norwich’s ‘Revelations of Divine Love’: “… all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”
The anticipated arrival, as well as the actual presence of a friend, can speak those words to us. Once we have overcome our grief, the absence of a friend through death can also breathe with an awareness of their continued presence. The above words were spoken to Julian by Jesus, and, through hearing or otherwise experiencing them through a meaningful friendship, we too are being reassured by Him. He is present with us as our Friend, speaking to us through a relationship that is truly meaningful because He is present within it.
The two words, ‘friendship’ and ‘meaningful’, mean different things to different people. For some, almost every person they meet more than once is regarded as a friend, and they may bathe in the knowledge that they have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook or some similar social networking internet site. With the mindset of some others, those same people would regard almost every one of those “friends” merely as acquaintances, and their few friends may not include any they would regard as being particularly close. Whoever we are, and whatever our interpretation of those words, it is only when a friendship includes the integrity of mind, body and spirit, that it becomes both humanly and spiritually meaningful, and develops its own invitations. It places us at the heart of an invitation to unite with and in the presence of Jesus, and it invites the Holy Spirit to come deeper into our friendship and into the rest of our lives.
.
