Tuesday 1 September 2009

One to one (4)

In today’s world it is difficult to believe that worthwhile meetings can only occur when people are physically present to each other. The telephone seems to provide ample evidence to the contrary. It has existed long enough for us to almost forget that there was a time when it was not even dreamed of. It had to be invented before we were able to speak to people as though they were in the same room with us, when they were many miles away, even on the other side of the world. We take it for granted that we can remain “in touch” with others when they are far beyond, not only touching distance, but the natural range of seeing and hearing.
The mobile phone allows us to reach and be reached almost anywhere, and we no longer need the telephone at all when we have access to a computer; and with the lines becoming more blurred all the time, I am no longer sure that a separate computer is needed when we have one of today’s ‘mobiles’. With Skype, for example, we can speak to anyone, anytime, almost anywhere in the world, and for as long as we may wish, without concerns about time and cost restricting the natural flow of words, feeling and emotion. And seeing the person to whom we are speaking removes the most obvious difference between this way of communicating and real physical contact. When cameras allow us to see each other while we converse, we are better able to assess and understand the feelings behind the words we hear, and it is more difficult to hide our own true feelings behind the words we use.
We could say that such live video communication does bring people face to face in all but living physical reality, and it is much easier to regard this as providing a means of meaningful contact, than it is to ask ourselves what more there could be. It is a question of degree. How real does our contact have to be before we regard it as being meaningful?

To meet face to face, to stand facing; to be opposite to. This is one of the meanings of the word ‘confront’, though it generally hints at something less relaxed, with elements of disagreement and friction – to face in defiance or hostility; to present a bold front to, to stand against, to oppose – and it leads into confrontation, with the possibility of third party involvement: the bringing of persons face to face for accusation and defence, for questioning and for discovering the truth.

Our usual thoughts on one-to-one relationships naturally fall into the areas of friendship, of family ties, of pleasure or displeasure in the interactions at work or with our neighbours; affection, concern, jealousy, frustration, annoyance and anger towards parents, children, siblings, or lovers. And, in one form or another, for one reason or another, fear is always in the mix somewhere.
In the context of our spiritual lives, the thoughts tend to focus on our fear of becoming better known; our reluctance to face the embarrassment of admitting that we are less than the person whose image we strive to portray and maintain. Our temptations, our unholy thoughts, our un-diminishing weakness in particular areas of life, and our failures and mistakes, are all carried with some degree of disregard and lightness in our daily lives, but weigh heavily in our conscience when we think to be more honest about ourselves.
A greater degree of closeness in a spiritual friendship moves our focus beyond these troubles to an appreciation of what a true friend can be. It allows us to discover the beginnings of an understanding of what the word ‘meaningful’ can mean in our relationships, and it draws us closer to a way of seeing ourselves and others in a more forgiving, reconciling, and supportive way: a way that more easily attunes us to the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives and in the lives of others, and makes Jesus’ way of seeing us and our world so much easier to understand and to follow.

Our relationships are not meant to provide company and no more; they should not consist of agreement and praise in all things, nor should they be nothing more than mutual confessions of failure and perceived inadequacy; they should not make us life-members of a club for serial-penitents and those who have grown comfortable with their routine of recurring faults. They should bring us into the light, and once we are there they should make that light undeniable for us.
There is good and bad in each of us, and while the bad can so easily go unnoticed in a life without any thought of who we are and why we are here, a spiritual life brings us to a recognition of at least some of our poor qualities. This is necessary, and it is good, but it can so easily become the focus on which we constantly dwell rather than a stepping stone into reality. Jesus calls us to that recognition, but in order that we may change and move beyond it, into a discovery of the gifts with which we have been blessed; a discovery of our potential for good in this world, and a realization of the person into whom we can be transformed.

A truly meaningful friendship needs the complete presence of one person to another. Whatever the apparent relationship – master and servant, companions, lovers – friendship is what makes it work in a positive and meaningful way. It needs not only the honesty, trust, acceptance and support, but the touch, the silences, the creation of space: the intimacy and the safety that come only when people are true friends and in each other’s company. We hear this expressed in many ways: – “I know she’s my mum, but she’s my best friend as well.” - “My very best friend has always been my brother.” - “I don’t see him often, but I feel so safe when I do. I can talk to him about anything and he always says the right thing. If that is friendship, then I only have one real friend.”
It is our presence to one another that leads us beyond our regrets and failings to the quest for fulfilment and the joy that it engenders. We may see clearly the good in our friends that they cannot see for themselves, just as we may be blind to what they see so clearly in us.

‘You have to start seeing yourself as your truthful friends see you. ... You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty and love because you do not see any of these qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realizing that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet. You cannot force things, however. You cannot make yourself see what others see. ... You have to trust that God will give you the people to keep showing you the truth of who you are.’

(Henri Nouwen. ‘The Inner Voice of Love’.)

I find that a beautiful definition of a real friend:– Someone who keeps showing you the truth of who you are.
There is no more complete way of showing another the truth about themselves than being with them. For a person who is blind, all I have said about seeing people face to face via video conversations has little meaning; they do not see them when they really are in the same room. But when they are there before them, their heightened awareness via the other senses makes them every bit as present as they would be for me. The same applies to any person who, for whatever reason, is unable to experience the world in the way that we mistakenly regard as the only possible way.
Presence is essential. And who, more than anyone else, can show us the truth about who we are? Who is our closest and most reliable friend? It is Jesus: the person who was present as a friend to the adulteress about to be stoned to death. He led her beyond her regret and the mistakes she had made, and showed her the truth of who she was. He was also present to the men who encircled her, and He showed them also the truth about who they were. That they failed to recognize Him as their friend too was part of the story of the Incarnation: part of why Christ came to them, to us, to all mankind.

He is the one who joins us whenever we meet face to face in His name.
It is His presence that makes our own presence to each other so much more than anything I can suggest among these pages.


‘For where two or three meet in my name, I am there among them.’
(Matthew 18:20)
.

About Me

Who I am should be, and should remain, of little consequence to you. Who you are is what matters; who you are meant to be is what should matter most to you. In coming closer to my own true self, I have gradually been filled with the near inexpressible: I have simply become "brim full", and my words to you are drawn from those uttered within myself, as part of an undeniable overflowing that brings a smile to my every dusk, and to my every new dawn.
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