Windblown

Leaves are gathering under the trees once more, and until the wind scatters them across the countryside they will lie there, en masse, as though each leaf looks up in awe at the tree which had given it life. The stillness of some of these autumn days makes the falling of leaves an audible experience; not something we would usually anticipate from what is, for us, a predominantly visual experience, but which can cause us to turn in surprise when a dry leaf from an Ash slowly ricochets down through twigs and branches on its way to the ground in an otherwise silent world. Each has its own tune, from the almost silent shower of Birch leaves to the stiff ticking sound of Beech as each leaf seems to proudly proclaim its intention to remain un-rotted throughout the coming winter. Not only to those who are out and about in the countryside, but also to people strolling in the park, or round their own gardens, leaves have contributed to a full orchestra of voices from the first greening of the hedgerows to the final shedding of their un-greened and crinkled forms.
Thomas Hardy’s tale, Under The Greenwood Tree, begins with an expression of this fact: ‘To dwellers in a wood, almost every species of tree has its voice as well as its feature. At the passing of the breeze, the fir trees sob and moan no less distinctly than they rock; the holly whistles as it battles with itself; the ash hisses amid its quiverings; the beech rustles while its flat boughs rise and fall.’

Within the next few weeks I shall have a large pile of leaves in a corner of the garden, raked up from the grass when the trees are almost bare. Even in springtime and through the summer, I frequently picture the view leading up to that time, with the leaves being blown from the trees to fly briefly before dancing along the ground until caught and held by some snag or barrier, muddy hollow or puddle. It is a picture which conveys to me a paradoxical message of movement and activity in response to the guidance of a power greater than myself, while always carrying the blessings of peace and quiet joy. I do not need to see the leaves to be reminded, but the message is there whenever I walk from the house. Similar scenes are available to all of us almost everywhere throughout the autumn, but I find this meaning only where I am able to take time out to look and to become, as it were, part of the scene. This makes home the obvious place to appreciate the experience.

Picturing this flurry of leaves always leads me into the memory of another similar scene from nearly twenty years ago; again, in a place where I spent much time and could pause every day to appreciate what was happening beyond the window. Here, I was looking beyond the garden boundary into the grounds of a school for children with special needs. The school itself was almost out of sight at the top of a small hill, though the sounds of children in the playground would drift down to me on the breeze.
I remember being struck by that sound one autumn day when all seemed well with the world, and the shouts and laughter combined to produce an effect that was so obviously joyful in the known circumstances, but in isolation was in fact a noise; not joyful, not anything: just a noise. And then, momentarily, I heard that noise differently. The sound was the same but the circumstances seemed changed utterly; the shouts became screams and the laughter turned to cries of grief and terror. The change was real enough to have me searching the skyline for the reassurance of children running into and out of view at the edge of their playground. They were there. All was well.

The experience lasted for only a few seconds but left me wondering; what if something terrible suddenly occurred up there and the sounds were of anguish and horror? How long would it be before anyone at my distance from those children realized anything was wrong? The noises seemed frighteningly similar. Thankfully I have never been witness to any of the dreadful occurrences the world has seen and continues to see; perhaps the differences between the sounds would be all too obvious to me if I had, but those few moments taught me how easily we can presume that all is well – in almost any situation – when in fact it is not.
The enduring image here is of the leaves on that windy day being blown down the slope towards me, like hundreds of children running, jumping and dancing across the grass. The wind blew the sounds from the playground to me louder than usual, and as my hearing of them changed from quiet pleasure to deep concern, so the happily dancing leaves changed to terrified and panic-stricken children fleeing from heaven only knew what.

I have been reminded of these images by words in an article by Charles Whitehead in the September/October 2008 edition of Good News magazine. Writing on discernment, he says, ‘If it is God’s Holy Spirit at work, then I want to be inspired, blessed, touched, and empowered by what is happening. But if not, then I need to be protected from being “blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming” (Ephesians 4:14), or, even worse, being lead astray by the lies and strategies of Satan and his demons.’

Learning to distinguish truth and falsehood in our lives, and discerning our direction and the genuine calls on our time, our support, and our action, helps us to know when all is well and when it is not. It not only keeps us from being “blown here and there by every wind ...”, but enables us to recognize dangers and the presence of evil in even the most settled and apparently safe conditions and situations.
A great deal can happen, for good or ill, when we are relaxed, unconcerned, and generally at peace. A lowering of our barriers will allow us to be more open to seemingly good and plausible, but false, ideas from elsewhere, anywhere and everywhere, but will also make us more receptive to the work of the Holy Spirit within us. Knowing which is which is not as easy as we may think, especially if we expect all that is good to be comfortable, and all that is evil to present itself in the form of a struggle.

It is like a re-run of the leaves being blown down that grassy hill. Are the children shouting and laughing? Or are they screaming and crying? Do we make assumptions and switch off again? Do we hear them at all? Or do we focus, question, and discern before deciding that all is well? Before returning to the peace and the empty space we have created for ourselves?
A space which – if we are fortunate – will become similar to

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‘... the crucible of the desert, in which the soul ... is twisted and shaken like a leaf in the storm of the Spirit.’
(Carlo Carretto. Love is for Living.)
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... and clear

‘... ever since the creation of the world, the invisible existence of God and his everlasting power
have been clearly seen by the mind's understanding of created things.’
(Romans 1:20)
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People use many well known words or phrases to express such things as anger, surprise, contempt, or disbelief. Many are obscenities, used deliberately by some to cause offence, and by others as part of their habitual and unthinking stream of language; others are variations on the theme of taking the Lord’s name in vain, again used without thought or, less frequently, with deliberate blasphemous intent. But there are other expressions which have either lost their original meaning or relevance completely (e.g. “Gordon Bennett”), or which no longer convey their meaning with the force they once did. Among these is the protestation, “Is nothing sacred?”
In a world where respect for other people as well as for their human and legal rights, traditions, beliefs, and property, and for authority in general, was only part-way through its decline, the accepted ‘untouchable’ nature of respected things was an acknowledgement of their basic correctness and goodness for the individual, for the community, and for a wider social health and stability. Our progress into civilization, and the continuing refinement of our ways of living in this world and with each other, had, at some time in the past, reached a point where we were able to stand back from the balance of respect and freedom we had created: the rules, written and unwritten, by which we aimed to live. We stood back, we looked, and we saw that it was good. It was because it was good that it was regarded as untouchable: unchangeable. Other than through the continued refinement of its goodness, why would anyone ever want to change it? It became sacred to us. As parts of this constructed goodness began to be undermined, the offended parts of society would rapidly have found ways of expressing their concerns, their disappointments and their disgust. “Is nothing sacred?” would have grown out of this atmosphere, and would have had very real meaning.
We would have been conscious of this sacredness in the non-religious sense, but, because it was indeed good, and pointing in the direction God intended for us, it was also sacred in the sense that it was holy. Unawares, we were being directed by it towards holiness.

In the Creation story, in the first chapter of Genesis, we read that God looked at His creative work at each stage, and ‘God saw that it was good.’ We are told this seven times, beginning where ‘God saw that light was good’ (v.4), and ending where, having made man and woman, ‘God saw all he had made, and indeed it was very good’ (v.31).
The physical world is sacred. The whole of creation is sacred. Our journey into holiness and a better understanding of our place in this world is part of our slow awakening to our relationship with our Creator and our purpose in His plan, not only for mankind, but for all that He saw, and continues to see, as good.

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‘... for the whole creation is waiting with eagerness for the children of God to be revealed.
... We are well aware that the whole creation, until this time, has been groaning in labour pains.’
(Romans 8:19, 22)
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Wisdom 13:1-9 speaks of those ‘who, from good things seen, have not been able to discover Him-who-is, or, by studying the works, have not recognized the Artificer ‘(v.1), and asks, ‘if they are capable of acquiring enough knowledge to be able to investigate the world, how have they been so slow to find its Master?’ (v.9).
Today’s answer to that ages old question is that, in general terms, very little is seen as being sacred any more. We look but we do not see; we listen but we do not hear. We are increasingly conscious of something not being right in our world, but we seem incapable of holding the veil aside: we do not recognize the sacred even when it lies at our feet.

The message is clear enough, but it is not being heard or seen by the majority of mankind, and most of those who do see and hear it fail to recognize it for what it is. Of the few who do know it, most make little or no attempt to acknowledge it; and among those who do, there are few who are prepared to rise, who are called and directed to shout loudly from the mountain tops. These are our prophets, and we have need of them today.
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We are all being called to hear the psalmist’s words, not as a whimper from the past, but loud and clear in today’s world, as we stand in awe of the creation of which we are all a part, and for which we have been given responsibility as masters. Only when this is achieved can God's prophets fade silently into the valleys once more.

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‘No utterance at all, no speech,
not a sound to be heard,
but from the entire earth the design stands out,
this message reaches the whole world.’
(Psalm 19:3-4)
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Shout loud ...

Nobody can deny the extent to which poverty and deprivation, injustice and greed, cruelty and abuse, disfigure the mind and mutilate the body of mankind. As a species, we regard ourselves as supreme; even those among us whose thoughts would never include any conscious awareness of Scripture in even the broadest sense, are somehow reinforced in their arrogance by a faint echo, as it were, of God’s words as laid out in the book of Genesis after the creation of humankind: ‘God blessed them, saying to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. Be masters of the fish of the sea, the birds of heaven and all the living creatures that move on earth.”(Genesis 1:28)
Looked at coldly, without any disturbance or intervention from the parts of our nature that make us different from the rest of creation, the qualities that define us as members of the human race, we could look at what we have accomplished and congratulate ourselves on a job well done. We have been fruitful, and we have definitely multiplied; there are now some 6.8 billion of us. Can we even begin to imagine how many people that is? It is clear that we have done our best to fill the earth, and in so doing it must be said that we have accomplished some astonishingly wonderful things; but we have also been the cause of horrifyingly destructive consequences of our attempts to subdue the earth and everything in it. We have taken it upon ourselves to enslave everything, finding no possible alternative meaning for the instruction to “Be masters”, and we carry our natural tendency to lord it over the world into our relationships with other people, ignoring, depriving, robbing and abusing those who have been created as our equals.

And how can we read the next two verses of Genesis without further doubting both the integrity of our mindsets, and the wisdom of our actions?
“Look, to you I give all the seed-bearing plants everywhere on the surface of the earth, and all the trees with seed-bearing fruit; this will be your food.” (1:29) – without being visited by images of the famine stricken and starving peoples of our world?
“And to all the wild animals, all the birds of heaven and all the living creatures that creep along the ground, I give all the foliage of the plants as their food.” (1:30) – without being assailed by images of the planet’s blatant destruction, and the desolation, emptiness and silence that follow our rape and pillage of the environment and all that it once had the ability to sustain.

Our free will is potentially our greatest gift, and granting to others the freedom to exercise theirs is in keeping with the brotherhood and sisterhood of humankind. But, for ourselves and for the world, it is what we each do with our freedom that determines whether we become a blessing or a curse. In those areas where we fail to bless our neighbours and our world, an apparent indifference is as much a curse as any active or militant contribution to destruction and injustice. A terrifying reality of our freedom and of any failure to bless, is that the curse to which we contribute may sweep across the entire face of the globe, with no way of differentiating between those who are blessings upon the earth and their destructive neighbours.

Our actions have ensured there is no shortage of blood, but however much we spill and wherever we may smear it, destruction and death will not be kept from anybody’s door.
‘Some of the blood must then be taken and put on both door-posts and the lintel of the houses where it is eaten. ... The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are. When I see the blood I shall pass over you, and you will escape the destructive plague when I strike Egypt.’ (Exodus 12:7-13)
We regard ourselves as absolute masters of our own destiny. However late we may leave it, we believe that we shall come up with the right answers and act accordingly; that we have the power and the ability to put things right; that everything will be fine. It is only now that most of us are beginning to suspect that all this talk may be more than just a potential script for another exciting disaster movie; we have stopped popping popcorn into our mouths, and our smiles are beginning to fade. Some of us are wondering whether there may even come a time when there are no more movies to watch.

Those whose freedom is a blessing for all of us, in terms of economics, the environment, health, education, justice, peace, and all areas which have a bearing on human dignity, have, in recent years, raised their concerns loudly enough to make the difference we now see being accepted and acknowledged by political leaders around the world. These pressures must be maintained of course, but more than this, we must learn to appreciate our ability to choose: our freedom to exercise our free will; and those who are called to be today’s prophets – they are out there somewhere – must allow the Spirit to take them where it will, and must proclaim the message God places within them. This message will not only be, “Wake up! Open your eyes; look, and see”; and it will not be merely an additional urging to find the scientific counterbalance for the destructive path down which we are all slipping. It will undoubtedly include a call to finally understand the intended responsibilities inherent in God’s will that we should “Be masters of ... all the living creatures that move on earth”, and that “this will be your food”.
We shall receive and act on that understanding, only when we realize we are the keepers and carers of our world and everything in it; that we have been appointed as caretakers of our own home, planet Earth, while The One who is our own Master, and Master of all that is, longs for our return to harmony with the rest of creation, and to the dignity, equality and unity that should be hallmarks of our trust in Him.

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‘Go up on a high mountain, messenger of Zion.
Shout as loud as you can, messenger of Jerusalem!
Shout fearlessly, say to the towns of Judah
“Here is your God.”
(Isaiah 40:9)
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Available to all

Since making the decision to set up and convey my thoughts via this blog, I have become increasingly aware of coming across thoughts from other people that support my own way of thinking after I have committed my ideas to the written page. Instead of raising doubts over whether or not the ideas are truly my own through being read or heard before writing, they have provided me with a welcome and strengthening form of confirmation that what I am doing is worthwhile and, in general, in line with what I believe to be the truths that I allow to govern my life.
This has been highlighted over the last few days by a series of apparent coincidences that have supported my decision to pass thoughts on to someone for whom life has not been going smoothly. I have referred to a brief contact with the people most immediately affected by this situation, and since that meeting, despite not really knowing the nature of the problems, I have been pressed by an urge to make known to them what my own thoughts are. At the same time however, I still have an underlying wish to remain anonymous, not for any particular reason, but – as I have said in my profile – because it really does not matter who I am. Nor have I hurried to make known to people I know that I am writing here; if they happen to come across my ‘Soliloquy’ and then realize who I am, that is fine, as would be their spreading of that knowledge to others, but I do not seek their attention, their praise or their comments on what I am doing. I am here for whoever may cross my path, and for those who, in crossing, may glance at what is written here. If just one person finds what they read to be meaningful and of real help to them, then I thank God for it, and I am content.
But having experienced the prompting to offer my thoughts, I know it would be a failure on my part if I did not respond. It is part of the ongoing multiplicity of chances to respond to God’s desire for us to act when asked to do so.
I do feel somewhat confused over my decision to maintain anonymity when I am in fact well known to the people in question, but the chances are that I shall be ‘discovered’ and recognized before too long.

For the most part, I am happiest when unobserved and out of mind. I am just another ordinary man who has had the good fortune to fall into the hands of the living God; a nobody who has learned that every ordinary person, every nobody, is in reality an extraordinary daughter or son of God, loved, valued, and graced with a potential for good in this world that is far beyond their comprehension.
I have been too timid to write or phone directly, primarily because I do not know what is the right thing to do, but this space on the internet allows me to say what is in me to be said without editing to suit the anticipated – or more accurately, the guessed at – responses, and in a manner more likely to speak to people in general rather than to a particular soul.

An excellent example of the affirmation I have received from other sources over recent weeks, is a website I came across for the first time yesterday. It struck me at once because the theme for the day (15.10.09) was ‘Resolving your problems’, and on reading through the quotations used in support of that theme I felt they would speak to the heart of the particular person I already had in mind. More than this, however, the stated belief that God calls out to all people, not only Christians, and that ‘inspiration can be found in all spiritual faiths’, echoes my belief that the Church as we know it (both as Christians, and more specifically, as Catholics) has boundaries that extend far beyond the limits of our restricted and regimented thinking.

I do not make a habit of promoting other websites – we have to make our own ways through the immense variety of viewpoints available – but this may be of interest or of value to you, and therefore becomes only the fourth such link I have provided here. There are of course many wonderful places to visit, but with a little thought most of these can be found easily; it is the comparatively unknown, unsung, and unsuspected sources of inspiration that need to be pointed to for the sake of those who may seek precisely what they have to offer. This one may or may not be of value for you; there is only one way to find out.

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...........................................................................http://www.thereligionnetwork.com/index.html

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It is far too easy for us to believe that those who are not Christians (without venturing into the dreadful disunity which exists between some sections of the broad Christian Church) are beyond the reach of God.
How do we dare believe that God does not reach out to every living person, and to the whole of creation? Nothing, and nobody, is beyond His reach. Banish all thoughts that the Catholic Church teaches otherwise, and read the following passages from the documents of the Second Vatican Council:

‘All this holds true not only for Christians, but for all men of good will in whose hearts grace works in an unseen way. For, since Christ died for all men, and since the ultimate vocation of man is in fact one, and divine, we ought to believe that the Holy Spirit in a manner known only to God offers to every man the possibility of being associated with this paschal mystery. (Gaudium et Spes 22.)

‘... those who have not yet received the Gospel are related in various ways to the people of God. In the first place we must recall the people to whom the testament and the promises were given and from whom Christ was born according to the flesh. On account of their fathers this people remains most dear to God, for God does not repent of the gifts He makes nor of the calls He issues. But the plan of salvation also includes those who acknowledge the Creator. In the first place amongst these there are the Mohamedans, who, professing to hold the faith of Abraham, along with us adore the one and merciful God, who on the last day will judge mankind. Nor is God far distant from those who in shadows and images seek the unknown God, for it is He who gives to all men life and breath and all things, and as Saviour wills that all men be saved. Those also can attain to salvation who through no fault of their own do not know the Gospel of Christ or His Church, yet sincerely seek God and moved by grace strive by their deeds to do His will as it is known to them through the dictates of conscience. Nor does Divine Providence deny the helps necessary for salvation to those who, without blame on their part, have not yet arrived at an explicit knowledge of God and with His grace strive to live a good life. Whatever good or truth is found amongst them is looked upon by the Church as a preparation for the Gospel. She knows that it is given by Him who enlightens all men so that they may finally have life. (Lumen Gentium 2:16.)
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Great and good

I can see clearly that the ideas conveyed in my previous two posts are the product of my own experience. If I had not written down the resolutions that grew out of my thoughts on that cold and wet night long ago, I would not have had the same powerful memory of that time, nor of the echoes which followed me for so long after; and a recent brief contact with people whose present situation brought it to mind again, would not have resulted in the words that were posted here. I may have found something to say based on what I had heard or read, but it is unlikely that I would have had the feeling that I should write something; the feeling that arose in me as a result of my own experience, and as a reaction to my uncertainty over whether or not to respond to their distress in a more personal way.

This has reminded me that the bulk of what we take for granted today, most of the systems and structures and processes in society, the options and laws and theories and beliefs, are the product of other people’s thoughts. The answers to nearly all our questions have been born in some other person’s experience. Their experience gave power to their thinking – not that experiences were necessarily good, nor the thinking well founded – and thoughts gave wings to delusions and errors as well as to their insights. But if their ideas and propositions were sound they were taken up and built upon by others whose experience confirmed the value and the truth of these foundations.
In a similar way, our faith will come alive only through our own experience, not merely as a result of listening to others: belief in the existence of God is achieved, as Newman said, ‘not because others say it, not on the word of man merely, but with a personal apprehension of its truth.'
Most of mankind has been led through history by a succession of people, few in number, whose thoughts and actions, in one way or another, have steered the advance of mankind into increased knowledge and (in theory at least) increasingly civilized forms of society.
Thomas Carlyle’s thinking – of nearly one hundred and seventy years ago – is not accepted as fully as once it was, but it still carries within it underlying truths relating to humanity’s continued progress towards a realized potential, harmony, and perfection.

‘... the history of what man has accomplished in this world, is at bottom the history of the Great Men who have worked here. They were the leaders of men, these great ones; the modellers, patterns, and in a wide sense creators, of whatsoever the general mass of men contrived to do or to attain; all things that we see standing accomplished in the world are properly the outer material result, the practical realization and embodiment, of thoughts that dwelt in the Great Men sent into the world: ... We cannot look, however imperfectly, upon a great man, without gaining something by him. He is the living light-fountain, which it is good and pleasant to be near. The light which enlightens, which has enlightened the darkness of the world; and this not as a kindled lamp only, but rather as a natural luminary shining by the gift of Heaven; a flowing light-fountain, as I say, of native original insight, of manhood and heroic nobleness;--in whose radiance all souls feel that it is well with them.’
(On Heroes, Hero-Worship, and the Heroic in History.)

How well that also describes the biblical journey from Genesis all the way through to the incarnation of Jesus Christ, and the place of the Apostles, Paul, and the sequence of other great men in the early years of the Christian Church. From Noah, and Abraham, and the chain of great people empowered by God to command, to lead, and to teach the people: Moses, Solomon, David, the Prophets, and all the wonderful names God has raised and used to achieve His ends, the world’s awareness of God at work has been dependent on the thoughts and deeds of these few men, each one ‘a natural luminary shining by the gift of Heaven.’

The Muslim statement that “There is no god but God” is in complete agreement with both the Jewish and Christian certainties that there is only the one God. In that basic agreement, we are all of one mind. We all sit, kneel, and prostrate ourselves at the feet of the same God, and it is to the one undisputed source of our being that our prayers are directed. In the same work, Carlyle had in mind not only great men in general, but Muhammad and Islam in particular when he wrote, ‘the Great Man was always as lightning out of Heaven; the rest of men waited for him like fuel, and then they too would flame.’
This appears to contradict the suggestion that other people’s words and deeds are, in themselves, not sufficient to bring us to a real belief in God, but it is the experience of being led towards faith by such people that enables us to approach the very edge of our own doubts and fears , and to venture into our own surrender into His unseen hands. God works through such people to draw us out of ourselves and into our own defining experience.

Jesus was, and is, the ultimate Great and Good Man: God’s own expression of perfection in mankind, and our Teacher, Example, and Saviour. In coming to Him, and following Him, we are not being led towards an encounter with God; we are encountering God. In the meaningful context of our own lives we are experiencing Him for ourselves, and it is this experience, devoid of all worldly advancement, honour, or material gain, that has the power to transform us.
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... but progress

Others may clearly see our strengths and innate qualities; some may accurately discern the direction in which our path should lead, but we are the only ones who can discover where we are to go, and when, and how, and why. It is part of finding out who we really are, and of becoming the persons God has made us to be.
In writing this I am conscious of the numbers of university students who change courses, take years out, or drop out altogether in their struggles to find their direction in life. I urge these, as well as all others who are wavering in some way, changing course, burning bridges, giving up, or picking themselves up to begin again, to dismiss all feelings of failure, particularly where such embers are urged back into life by others. In the only ways that are ultimately of value, you have not failed. You are being prevented from wasting too much time. You are not just wanted but are needed to be on the right path, and your turmoil is the result of your own unsatisfied yearnings. Without yet knowing it, you yourselves need to be on the right path; the path for which you have been made.

Any mention of paths, right and wrong, cannot be separated from the fundamental attractions of right and wrong which constantly play havoc with our lives. The tug-of-war between the forces and satisfactions of good and evil is never-ending, and is made known to us by the voice of God within us: a voice of which John Henry Newman has spoken in his sermon, ‘Dispositions for Faith’: -

'Whether a man has heard the name of the Saviour of the world or not... he has within his breast a certain commanding dictate, not a mere sentiment, nor a mere opinion, or impression, or view of things, but a law, an authoritative voice, bidding him do certain things and avoid others. I do not say that its particular injunctions are always clear, or that they are always consistent with each other; but what I am insisting on here is this, that it commands - that it praises, it blames, it promises, it threatens, it implies a future, and it witnesses of the unseen. It is more than a man's own self. The man himself has not power over it, or only with extreme difficulty; he did not make it, he cannot destroy it... This is Conscience; and from the nature of the case, its very existence carries on our minds to a Being exterior to ourselves; for else whence did it come? and to a Being superior to ourselves; else whence its strange troublesome peremptoriness? I say, without going on to the question what it says, and whether its particular dictates are always as clear and consistent as they might be, its very existence throws us out of ourselves, to go and seek for him in the height and depth, whose Voice it is. .......... .... This word within us not only instructs us up to a certain point, but necessarily raises our minds to the idea of a Teacher, an unseen Teacher: and in proportion as we listen to that word, and use it, not only do we learn more from it, not only do its dictates become clearer, and its lessons broader, and its principles more consistent, but its very tone is louder and more authoritative and constraining. And thus it is, that to those who use what they have, more is given; for, beginning with obedience, they go on to the intimate perception and belief of one God. His voice within them witnesses to him, and they believe his own witness about himself. They believe in his existence, not because others say it, not on the word of man merely, but with a personal apprehension of its truth.'

And so, conscience, having already matured within us, takes its place, as it were, before us; recognised, acknowledged, and, as likely as not, a source of niggles and worries rather than something to be listened to. It is an immense power for good, but if my own experience is anything to go by, it can be a long time before we understand this, preferring to let the years slip by without being unduly troubled by it, or, at least, without allowing ourselves to be confronted by its accusing finger.
Without stopping to face it head on, that is how we experience it: that is how it seems to be. No sooner do we sense it than we turn away from it; the very awareness of its presence rising within us troubles us too much. We already know what it is going to say to us, and have no wish to be made to recognise our own wrongdoing, - especially if it speaks to us before we have actually gone wrong.

And yet, it is all so false. Our holding it at bay in that way tells us from the start that we have recognised it for what it is. It is unavoidable, and it has the power to make our choosing of the right course of action so simple. And yet we repeatedly manage to brush it aside while fully understanding what we are doing, and all the time longing to follow the opposite course, -the one towards which it was directing us.

'I do not understand my own behaviour; I do not act as I mean to, but I do things that I hate.

...though the will to do what is good is in me, the power to do it is not:

the good thing I want to do, I never do; the evil thing which I do not want - that is what I do.'

(Romans 7:15,18-19.)

So says St Paul, and surely, so would say any good and honest man or woman who has ever lived.

In the same way that our conscience will guide us through every right and wrong moment, every action, every thought, if we will but let it, it is constantly trying to steer us in the overall direction best suited to our nature and our particular skills. It is not in preventing, accusing, and reprimanding that it has its reason for being. It strives to match our giftedness with the areas of need which cry out for it; and this striving is not so much in the assessment and recognition of our calling, as in the implementation, which requires our consent and ongoing commitment. It is in trying to awaken us to ourselves and to our calling that our conscience never sleeps.

Our experience and understanding of feelings of contentment, happiness, joy, peace, hope, regret, sorrow, fear, and so on, is dependent upon the degree to which we follow its guidance in our daily lives and its calling in the longer term. Our response to the awakening of our conscience plays an essential part in our perception of all the basic and underlying emotions from which our lives are drawn.

Aristotle has summed it up in these few words: -

'Where your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your vocation.'
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Not failure ...

I have written before about my need to put things in writing as a way of unravelling and making sense of my own thoughts and feelings. I do not know when this started but it is certainly not a lifelong habit; in looking back, I am aware of the complete absence of anything resembling what has now become completely normal for me. I can only recall one occasion (prior to consciously setting out on this Journey in Faith) when I did something similar, and that was while in Spain after leaving school.
It is strange to think that I was eighteen years old at the time, had not started work, had not met the person I would marry, had no children of my own, and had never imagined the home in which I now live. In short, my life as I now know it had yet to begin; and, though completely unaware of it at the time, I had no idea who I really was, and had not even begun to wonder who I was going to be.

The few bits of writing I did during those weeks in Spain were not done for the same reasons at all, though I now recognize in my fragmented memory of them hints of what was to come. The single occasion when writing helped me to see clearly what my thoughts and intentions were, came about as a result of simply feeling rather fed-up and generally down in spirit. I had only two or three days left before I was due to sail from Vigo back to Southampton, and, having that day had a single lift on a lorry all the way from Alicante to Vigo, I was just marking time until the boat took me home. I was annoyed, in a way, at having had such a good lift, but at the same time I was ready to return.
All I could do was hang about. I was hungry, having been living on a shilling a day for the last two weeks, though that did buy me a bread roll, a piece of cheese, half a kilo of grapes, and wine in my wineskin. I looked forward to the boat as the thirty-six hour journey included several meals - all paid for with the return ticket I had bought in England.

I had walked out of the town looking for somewhere to spend the night, and it had begun to rain. Having not found anywhere better, (I found a dry place in a timber yard for the next night) I walked into a wood on a hillside overlooking the road, and sat down on my rucksack against one of the tree trunks with my groundsheet thrown over my head and back. I had no tent.
As it grew darker, and colder, and wetter, I began to think about what I was going to do when I got home; what I was going to do with my life. And then I began to write it down. I knew exactly what I would do, and I resolved to turn my thoughts into reality. I would make my parents proud of me, and I knew how I was going to do it. I would take my place happily in the real world of family, routine and work.
By the time I put the notebook away, I had tearfully promised my parents and God that I would make it all happen, and, with my new-found resolutions helping to make me feel happier with my lot, I huddled down tighter under my groundsheet in the hope of getting some much needed sleep.

Sleep did not come; only more cold (it was October), continual rain, and the early discovery that my groundsheet was no longer waterproof. The longed for dawn found me soaked and shivering, and the discomfort made me every bit as miserable as I had been before thinking the thoughts which had developed into those promises.
I was already losing my belief in what I had resolved to do, but I told myself it did not matter anyway as I was the only one who knew; they were only thoughts, not real promises.
I was slipping before I had even started, and I felt guilty about that. I was failing almost as soon as I had made the decision, and, having promised not only my parents and God but also myself, the whole episode only contributed further to pre-existing feelings of failure which, for the most part, I had managed to keep suppressed.
But those thoughts had been written down, and though nobody else would ever know of them, they would not completely leave me while I still had that notebook; - and that was to be for a very long time.
I finally destroyed it twenty seven years later.

It was my memory of that night that prompted me to write to someone years later when I heard from the parents that they had received a worrying letter. Their son, far from home, had made it clear that he was feeling very low. When those to whom we write are unable to help in any way through lack of contact and not knowing exactly where we are, such information is naturally upsetting and disturbing. My letter contained thoughts based on my own experience of writing while feeling low but without posting anything to anyone, and without speaking about it later. My suggestion then still stands for anyone in a similar position today; that we should write our thoughts down somewhere that will enable us – at any time – to either keep or destroy them, rather than actually writing home with them. Writing home, or making any other form of contact, is of course the right thing to do if we include details of where we are and our plans for the immediate future; even more right if we are asking for someone to come and get us. But without this, all we do is perpetuate the worry in those who most love us and care for us. Recording our negative thoughts and feelings, but keeping them to ourselves, not only protects others from undue worry but also leaves us in a position where we can still, at any moment, take complete control of our own life without any shadows of conscience to confuse the picture; shadows resulting from having shared important thoughts with others and then appearing to fail to see things through.

Feelings of failure are just as likely to cast shadows without others knowing anything of what goes on within us; in all probability we shall think we have failed ourselves. But this should be seen differently; we have not failed, but have simply changed our minds; and changing one's mind is not necessarily a bad thing.
It is probable that, however true we think we are being to ourselves, we are still being influenced in our decisions, ideas and desires, by a constant stream of outside forces, some recognizable and others not. And when we think we have at last come to know what we really want, we enter into that supposed solution for a while, until something wells up within us once more, building in force, until we can no longer continue along the path we have taken.
It is not always that we decide to get off through lack of perseverance, or a realization of having misjudged either the path or it's destination, but rather that we are made to change direction: we are forced off that particular path.
There is a path, a direction, and a whole way of being that is right for each of us: - for which we have been made; and we can experience much of our search for that right course as being pushed aside into what feels like failure. It feels like failure because we have not yet found it; we have taken another wrong turn, and if the direction had been one into which we had been led by others, the unavoidable sense of having let them down can turn our supposed failure into an even deeper distress. But this is where we are called to believe in ourselves, and to believe in the worth of whatever burns deep within us. This is the gift with which we have been blessed, and recognition of it reveals the light that will guide each of us into the fulfilment of our potential.
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