Friday 3 February 2012

Deacon? (14) The Eucharist (2)


Realizing that we are asked to give our all, does not necessarily bring confirmation of any need to believe all that we are told to believe.

In my own case, at least, it has become another source of confirmation that I should not replace or dilute my own certainties with obedience to, or belief in, laid down definitions and rules which are declared, with apparent certainty, to be the reality and the truth which I am trying to follow. Indeed, it helps to make clear that which should already have been clear enough: that real belief in something has little to do with what we have been told.
 We can have real faith in something without genuine belief, just as where we have real belief we have no need of faith; and whatever we do have is not real faith. However clear it might seem to others, we alone can decide where lies certainty, where belief, and where faith within the confusions, doubts, hopes and longings which are ever restless within us.

I have never been able to make an honest declaration as to my own genuine belief in this area. 
On the one hand has been my inability to say that I believe everything I have been taught, because that has never been true, and I would never have declared otherwise; hence a lifetime of silence on the subject.
On the other hand, and contributing to that same silence, had been my fear that others might learn of my unbelief. That fear no longer exists; though perhaps a shadow of it still lingers. I am a Catholic, after all.
It left me when, after so many years of only half believing, and being a great deal less than half willing to admit to my doubt, I finally made the decision to recognize on which side of the increasingly unstable fence I had already fallen.
To say that I have difficulty with what the Church expects me to believe is barely true today; my concern and sense of guilt and failure for not believing has faded to almost nothing with the passage of time and with my unconscious choice of life without such drains on my equilibrium and spiritual peace. I do feel somewhat out of place at times, but I am comfortable with my unspoken refusal to feel uncomfortable any longer. I have no way of altering what is deeply felt, and can therefore say nothing that hides the fact that my belief here is not as the Church would wish.

I have already made clear that my conscience will not allow me to become a Eucharistic Minister  (10.01.11  An ongoing call), as I believe strongly that anyone receiving communion in the Catholic Church has a right to assume that the person from whom they receive either the host or the chalice has the same level of belief in the transformed nature and qualities of the bread and wine as themselves: a belief that complies fully with and conveys the teaching of the Church. In uttering the words “The body of Christ” or “The blood of Christ, the speaker should have a conviction that at least parallels, if not exceeds, the degree of belief with which the hearer receives and takes what is offered.
With this being such an essential part of the deacon’s core beliefs and function, it is surely impossible that I could fit the required profile.

I do not qualify for any of the following tasks.

The deacon is called
to be custodian and dispenser of the Eucharist.
              to conserve and distribute the Blessed Eucharist.
to distribute the Body of Christ to the faithful during the celebration of the Mass.
              to assist in the distribution of Holy Communion and administer the chalice if communion is given under both kinds.  
to participate at the celebration of Holy Mass as a “minister of the Blood”. 
to sanctify when he administers the Sacrament of Baptism, the Holy Eucharist and the sacramentals. 
to administer Viaticum to the sick.
to bring Viaticum to the dying, 
to be an ordinary minister of exposition of the Most Blessed Sacrament and of eucharistic benediction. 
to give formation to extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion 
to take communion to homes, care homes and hospitals. 
       
 But my disqualification goes deeper than the particular tasks involved. 
The Eucharist is regarded as the source of almost all that is available to us in our journeys toward, and our relationships with God: the Powerhouse for the abilities and willingness needed in the successful performance of our Christian duties, whatever they may be.

It is here too that my certainties appear to block my way to the expected conformity. It sounds so contradictory, but I find it impossible to be led by teachings, arguments and expectations which do not blend with the underlying strengths contained in my certainties. They are based on experiences that have changed me utterly over the intervening years, and which can never be set to one side. Even as the ability to immerse myself in the remembered feel of experience has gradually slipped away, the memory itself has not; and today I still have the living awareness of the fact that I did experience that of which my memories are made.
Quite simply, that inexplicable experience and undeniable memory was of the presence of Jesus walking beside me. He was my constant companion. (I shall not write of it again.) This is the heart of my certainties: that Jesus is real; that He is alive; that He is risen. He is present to us, in and with the Holy Spirit, and I can never again believe otherwise. My difficulty with the Church’s teaching on the Eucharist is simply that I find it to be superfluous in my life. (Do I really dare to admit that?) I already know that He is with me: I can never say otherwise. I am unable to understand how it can give me what I know I already have. He has blessed me with His presence, and I cannot undo that fact.

I receive communion with reverence and with an acknowledged need to do so: I even long to do so, but I do it, as He asked, in memory of Him. Not only in memory of the fact that He lived among us two thousand years ago, but also in memory of His presence: His company. This carries within it a constant reminder that He is with us still, that He has changed my life, and that I am still waiting: waiting for Him to make known that which will satisfy my constant consciousness that He still requires something of me. Perhaps that something is simply to always remember that He is still with me, as my companion and friend, and to always be ready … for whatever may come.

What more can I say?

About Me

Who I am should be, and should remain, of little consequence to you. Who you are is what matters; who you are meant to be is what should matter most to you. In coming closer to my own true self, I have gradually been filled with the near inexpressible: I have simply become "brim full", and my words to you are drawn from those uttered within myself, as part of an undeniable overflowing that brings a smile to my every dusk, and to my every new dawn.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Unported License.

hit counters
Cox Cable High Speed

St Blogs Parish Directory
CatholicBlogs.com
Religion Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory Religion Blogs - Blog Top Sites Bloglisting.net - The internets fastest growing blog directory Religion and Spirituality Blog Directory See blogs and businesses for United Kingdom